Whack Ass Weekend - Draft Edtion
It is this Asshole's opinion that football is by far, the greatest sport in the whole universe. It is truly a gift given to us by the Gridiron Gods. No other sports are even involved in this pissing contest. The most exciting sporting event that has happened since the Super Bowl was the releasing of the NFL Schedule. You heard me right! March Madness is enjoyable but college basketball is just a sub-bar NBA. The NBA Playoffs are alright but the game totally changes in the last 2 minutes which just infuriates me. It goes from a fast paced, non-stop action game, to a game of time-outs and set in-bound plays. Then the basketball game ultimately gets decided by some old white guy blowing a whistle. That is why finding out who my Arizona Cardinals are going to play next year and how many prime time games they get takes the cake. That was until the start of the draft yesterday.
I love the draft. I watch every single round or at the least I leave it on in the background while I try and multitask. I say try, because I have learned that I am incapable of multitasking. Anyways, no other day combines such a great combination of optimism, debate, and mother fucking football.
Now I give you, Whack Ass Weekend - Draft Edition
Nicknames
Here are some nicknames that I came up with for the draftees that you will probably not be hearing Chris Berman use.
(Overall pick number, name)
1. Matthew "Stroke my" Stafford
4. Aaron "I like to lubricate with" Curry
5. Mark "The Dirty" Sanchez (way too easy, but I had to do it.)
10. Michael "I have had so much unprotected sex. Just call my penis a" Crabtree
12. Knowshon "I don't wanna go to rehab no," Moreno "No no!"
15. Brian "More" Cushing "For the Pushing"
31. Chris "Let me put my Beanies into your" Wells
66. Brady "The Felcher" Fletcher
98. Chase "Please turn your head and" Coffman
McConoughey
Mr. Matthew Mconoughey did a pre-draft piece on how you never know what pick is going to be a bust and which will be a Hall of Famer. It is a pretty interesting segment but I really want him to switch to Wooderson Mode and say, "What I love about NFL Draftees is that I get older and they stay the same age."
The Blind Side Boy
On a serious note, I am very happy for Michael Oher. He had one tough road to get to the NFL. Oher's difficult journey was chronicled by famed writer Michael Lewis in the book, "The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game." Every other chapter of the book recounts what Oher had to go through to become the 23rd overall pick by the Baltimore Ravens. The interview he gave after he was picked left everyone in tears.
The other chapters follow the evolution of the game and why the Left Tackle is now the second highest paid position on NFL teams. Second only to the man they protect, the Quarterback. Even if you are only just a minor fan of the NFL, you still need to read this book. After you read it you will watch football with a new set of eyes. You will understand the difference between the Walsh Method and the Parcells Method . You will understand how Lawrence Taylor changed the whole game and you will absolutely have a new abundance of respect for the big men down in the trenches.
Get Pumped
I know these clips are fake and I am a little confused by some of the players they picked (Simms, every kicker) but the clips still get me so pumped for the season.
Watch Out Election Night
When it comes to crazy computer graphics the NFL Draft is right on The Presidential Election Coverage's heels. I thought we hit a climax of touch screen technology on Election Night but ESPN and The NFL Network have said, "Not so fast!" They have proven this weekend, that when it comes to over the top and unnecessary graphics that the broadcaster (Michael Smith) doesn't know how to use yet, they are a force to be reckoned with.
BLUE footBALLS
The bad thing about the draft is that it is such a freaking cock tease. I am so ready for the season to start now. I want to see how all of these rookies do.
Ugh! I am going to go watch the NFC Championship game again and hopefully that will cure some of my football frustration.
I love the draft. I watch every single round or at the least I leave it on in the background while I try and multitask. I say try, because I have learned that I am incapable of multitasking. Anyways, no other day combines such a great combination of optimism, debate, and mother fucking football.
Now I give you, Whack Ass Weekend - Draft Edition
Nicknames
Here are some nicknames that I came up with for the draftees that you will probably not be hearing Chris Berman use.
(Overall pick number, name)
1. Matthew "Stroke my" Stafford
4. Aaron "I like to lubricate with" Curry
5. Mark "The Dirty" Sanchez (way too easy, but I had to do it.)
10. Michael "I have had so much unprotected sex. Just call my penis a" Crabtree
12. Knowshon "I don't wanna go to rehab no," Moreno "No no!"
15. Brian "More" Cushing "For the Pushing"
31. Chris "Let me put my Beanies into your" Wells
66. Brady "The Felcher" Fletcher
98. Chase "Please turn your head and" Coffman
McConoughey
Mr. Matthew Mconoughey did a pre-draft piece on how you never know what pick is going to be a bust and which will be a Hall of Famer. It is a pretty interesting segment but I really want him to switch to Wooderson Mode and say, "What I love about NFL Draftees is that I get older and they stay the same age."
The Blind Side Boy
On a serious note, I am very happy for Michael Oher. He had one tough road to get to the NFL. Oher's difficult journey was chronicled by famed writer Michael Lewis in the book, "The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game." Every other chapter of the book recounts what Oher had to go through to become the 23rd overall pick by the Baltimore Ravens. The interview he gave after he was picked left everyone in tears.
The other chapters follow the evolution of the game and why the Left Tackle is now the second highest paid position on NFL teams. Second only to the man they protect, the Quarterback. Even if you are only just a minor fan of the NFL, you still need to read this book. After you read it you will watch football with a new set of eyes. You will understand the difference between the Walsh Method and the Parcells Method . You will understand how Lawrence Taylor changed the whole game and you will absolutely have a new abundance of respect for the big men down in the trenches.
Get Pumped
I know these clips are fake and I am a little confused by some of the players they picked (Simms, every kicker) but the clips still get me so pumped for the season.
Watch Out Election Night
When it comes to crazy computer graphics the NFL Draft is right on The Presidential Election Coverage's heels. I thought we hit a climax of touch screen technology on Election Night but ESPN and The NFL Network have said, "Not so fast!" They have proven this weekend, that when it comes to over the top and unnecessary graphics that the broadcaster (Michael Smith) doesn't know how to use yet, they are a force to be reckoned with.
BLUE footBALLS
The bad thing about the draft is that it is such a freaking cock tease. I am so ready for the season to start now. I want to see how all of these rookies do.
Ugh! I am going to go watch the NFC Championship game again and hopefully that will cure some of my football frustration.
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