The Job Hunt: Searching for a Kill
Once again... I hate writing intros, so I'm not going to do it.
Guerrilla Applying
Since it's such a competitive time to try and find a job, I tried to think of ways to stand out from the crowd. Break through all the clutter. Make myself memorable. So, what I came up with was, Guerrilla Applying. Basically it's the same as Guerrilla Marketing, but instead of creating awareness for a company or a product, I'm creating it for myself.
I also thought it was a good idea because it seemed fun, and if I enjoy something I am going to put more time into it.
Here are two examples...
1. Resume Bookmarks
I went to a Border's Bookstore with a bunch of my resumes, and put them into HR for Dummies books. I placed them in the section titled, "How to Hire and Retain Great Employees." (I know I have already written about this, shut up!)
2. Resume Wipers
I printed out approximately 100 resumes on bright neon paper. Then I went to a strip mall in the middle of a large business park; where a majority of employees from the surrounding offices go to lunch. While at the strip mall, I folded up the brightly colored resumes and placed them under the windshield wipers of the cars. I Hoped to get the attention of an HR Manager or Executive and for them to say, "Hey! this is great, outside-of-the-box thinking. We need this kind of creative thinker on our team. We should also give him $100,000 signing bonus."
Results
I am sad to say that neither of these strategies worked. Not one email, not one interview, nothing! I did however get a few phone calls from unknown phone numbers, right after the windshield wiper strategy, but they didn't leave voicemails. I don't answer calls from unknown phone numbers, it's too scary. I only have done that one time and, yadda yadda yadda, I ended up with 10 hours of community service; true story. I'm guessing the calls were from people that couldn't believe that some idiot actually put resumes under windshield wipers.
Shot-down by Hilton
No, I didn't go to a bar and get rejected by Slut of the Decade, Paris Hilton. Instead, I went to Hilton.com and applied to be a front desk agent and metaphorically, I got a drink thrown in my face.
Here is a excerpt from the email that they sent me.
"After careful consideration of your application, we regret to inform you that you did not meet the basic qualifications for this specific position."
I didn't meet the mother-fucking BASIC qualifications to work the Front Desk?! Now, I am not trying to put down anyone that works reception at hotels, but what the shit is the basic requirements? Standing? Having Legs? Not having a swastika tattooed on your forehead?
At least the email was regretful and not ecstatic to inform me of my inadequacy.
I guess a B.S. from a top 25 public business school is about as worthless as an asshole on your elbow.
Asshole on Elbow, is it Useless?
Cases in which having an asshole on your elbow is actually useful...
1. When you get into a fight, it adds something extra when you give someone a flying elbow.
2. It makes it a lot easier to look at your asshole in a mirror.
3. You don't have to pull over to go to the bathroom. Just hang your arm out the car window.
4. You have a penis on one elbow, so it just makes sense to have a asshole on the other one.
New Rule
Listen up HR Manager Assholes!
You are not allowed to list a job as an, "Entry Level Position," and then require at least 2 years of experience. Do you not see the god-damn hypocrisy in this?
Every time that I see this on Craigslist or Monster or whatever, I now send them an email which contains about a baker's dozens worth of curse words; politely informing them of their flaw in logic.
More Deadends
Valet- Nope, can't drive stick. I'm surprised that this amazes people. Why would I know how to drive stick if I have never had a manual? It just seems dumb to have one. Great, you can accelerate a little faster. Unless you are still in high school and like to show off by peeling out of the school parking lot, who gives a shit. I like to eat, drink, and talk on the phone when I drive, not pretend like I am Indy Car Driver.
And why is being able to drive stick a "manly" trait? I am less of a man because I can't shift? I think you are less of a man, for not manning up and paying the extra coin to buy the automatic. I also hate it when I have to ride in my friends car that has a stick-shift. Oh, you mean instead of driving in a car with a smooth ride, every four or five seconds we will be jerking back and forth? Great! I love spilling my soda all over myself. Oh, and now you're going to talk on the phone while you drive. and you expect me to shift for you? Awesome!
Secretary- Nope, can't type 50 words per minute. Every time I took the test I got a 44. I guess I should be able to type faster, but seriously when does anyone in my age group actually sit down and pound away at the keyboard? Never. The only typing people in their twenties do is, small comments on Facebook and Twitter. The last time anyone actually sat down and typed was in college to write papers, and then you're still not writing that fast, because you are so concerned with editing and citing resources. I probably type more than most people my age, because of this blog, but I usually do this while watching television or after a few beers, so the typing isn't that fast.
Oh Shit!
Why did I write this?
I was already worried about possible employers Googling me and finding this blog. Now I really have to worry, because basically I just wrote about how worthless I am and I called HR Managers, assholes.
You see how much I am willing to sacrifice for your entertainment?
Posted by Brad Ass at 9/30/2009 9:47 AM 
Categories: Whatever
Tags: guirella resumeing entry jobs stick shift elbow asshole secretary experience hilton rejection
Categories: Whatever
Tags: guirella resumeing entry jobs stick shift elbow asshole secretary experience hilton rejection
You have to tell me what the community service was for!
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I am pretty sure this entry did enough to hurt my chances at getting employment. I'm gonna go ahead and not add more fuel to this fire by answering your question.
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