BRADASSNEWS.COM: Mascot Madness

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Mascot Madness

(This is an old article I wrote for a different website a ways back. I was going to write a new version of this for this year's tournament but after reading this I figured... fuck it, I'm lazy and this is good, and if I did it again it be repetitive. I use to be a much better writer, what the fuck? Speaking of fuck, I did have to go back and insert some curse words cause the old website wouldn't allow it. Shit Yes! Think this was for the 2007 tournament.)

The time has come. It is time to watch as 64 teams try and reach the ultimate peak of the best playoff system known to man. It is time to dub the unknown as "Cinderalla" and watch 7 footers cry in disappointment and or bliss. It is time for those young boys playing hoop in the driveway with dreams of glory to now become gods.

But, more importantly than all that shit, NOW is time to fill out your brackets!

That's right people, assign the intern the task of setting up the office pool, and collect the money now so you don't have to worry about stalking the cheapskate later on, or even the VP that is so frequently and conveniently out of the country.

Usually, I know a little about college basketball going into the tourney. This year I think I only watched about ten minutes of the Duke vs North Carolina game, and that was banned to the small TV in my living room, because we were having an intense Mario Kart session on the big screen.

I have admitted to myself that I am not full of the necessary knowledge to go into an office pool and expect to win. Then again, the people that usually win these things are the people that think the Denver Broncos have a chance of getting to the NCAA Final Four. People that don't follow sports at all, usually the female in the office that owns the most cats wins it. They just go into the pool cause everyone else is in it and then just pick teams based on the mascots.

Wait a second! That's what I will do. I have no knowledge of this season and I will pick by mascot. Maybe I will even pet my roommate's cat for once, just in case that has anything to do with it. I now figure I that I'm a dead favorite to win this thing.

I know that picking by mascots is nothing too creative or clever, but it was actually fun. I was excited to pick my bracket by mascot. It should be a lot easier. I don't have to worry if a team depends too much on the three, or if a team doesn't have the mental toughness to go the distance. I will just go through the list and pick whichever mascot has a better chance of beating the fuck out of the other one.

I found out very quickly this would not be as easy as I thought. I ran into a bunch of quandaries.

What the heck is a ______?

A lot of these teams I know but there is about 25% of them that I don't, and of those I am not sure what the fuck their mascot is. I have to look up all the mascots to the teams, and then that doesn't really help either. What the heck is a Gale?... or a Hill Topper?... or a GoldenFlash?.... and can a Golden Flash destroy a Running Rebel?

What to do with guns?

A lot of these mascots have guns. Should I let them use their boom sticks or should I make it more of a fair game and takeaway the canons? I decided to let them use their guns, and wouldn't you guess it The Muskeeters, The Mavericks, The Mountaineers and the Running Rebels all got pretty far. I'm not really sure if the Rebel actually has a gun but running with a loaded weapon seems pretty rebellious.

Color War?

A few times I ran into a problem with colors. Right off the bat in the first round I got The Stanford Cardinal vs The Cornell Big Red. Both schools are actually a different shade of red. I know some of you think Stanford are Trees because of that stupid thing that runs around the court but they are really, Cardinal the color. Same as with Cornell not being Bears as their mascot running around on the floor would have you believe. Cornell is Big Red. I decided to give it to Cornell because their red has the word "big" in front of it, and if it wanted to the Bear could use the Tree as a back scracher.

stanford tree, stanford chearleaders

Yup, it goes Ass to Mouth

The second case was when I had The Duke Blue Devils battle the Mississippi Valley State Devils. In the end I decided to go with the team that actually had a color, because Mississippi did not take the time to explain to us what color of devils they are. Lazy bastards.

Bulldogs

Butler, Drake, Georgia, Gonzaga, and Mississippi State are all the Bulldogs. Luckily none of them had to match up. Sorry Michael Vick, no dogfights, but the Georgia Bulldog did get shot in the first round by a Musketeer.

Butler was the only Bulldog to make it out of the first round. They got to maul on a Tennessee Volunteer. What can I say; Volunteers just don't receive the proper training and they work for free. We have all heard the expression, "you get what you pay for."

Conclusion

In the end I had the Michigan State Spartans winning it all. Every time I had to picture their mascot go up against someone else's I just kept thinking about the Movie 300. The famous scene when the Persian yells at the main character "This is Madness," and the Spartan screams "NO THIS IS SPARTA!" and then he kicks him down the bottomless pit. Likewise, I kept imagining all the Spartans' opponents yelling, "This is March Madness!" and then the fuzzy Spartan mascot booting them down the pit. I chuckled every time. Please don't ask me how he exactly kicked a Hurricane down a bottomless pit? He just did!

Well, hopefully that wins me the office pool. I will let you know how I do. Good luck on all your picks.

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