BRADASSNEWS.COM

Pretent-ass-ness Phrases

Brad Ass — Thu, 05 May 2011 03:58:00 GMT

I asked a fellow employee if they watched a TV show the prior night and they retorted with, "I don't own a television." There happen to be certain phrases which you can not say, without sounding like a pretentious poop. "I don't own a television," just happens to be high up on that list.

I tried to think of as many of these phrases that I could.... here is a list that would make even Veruca Salt cringe.

- The book was better.

- I drink my coffee black, because I actually like the taste of coffee.

- Is your produce locally grown?

- Your jewelry isn't made out of blood diamonds is it?

- Nothing I buy is tested on animals.

- I can't remember the last time I ate fast food

- You let your kids drink soda?

- I like camping because I like to get away from it all.

- My dog is a rescue

- How have you never heard of this band?

- I only buy things made in America

- I went to a film festival over the weekend

- I prefer privately owned establishments

- I don't own a cellphone

- I voted

- Sorry I am late. I ran into my yoga instructor

- I am not really into sports

- I'm not excited when I meet movie stars... they're just regular people.

Well, that's all I got for now, but I am sure there is a lot more to come. If you would like to be able to read more, or if you would like to suggest some, feel free to follow @Pretentassness Yes I did just create that twitter account. I'm coming for you @Humblebrag Wait a second, is my idea too similar to Humblebrag? AHH FUCK IT....

The end

"The Masters" of Funny

Brad Ass — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 20:41:00 GMT

In honor of The Masters, here are some fun golf times yeah yeah.

I fell in love with PGA Golfer Ben Crane, when I found this video. I posted it a few times on the site, but it is just too good. So, here it is again.

...And now I found this outtakes video

...and he has since made two more videos that are like these below, because they are these below.

Sadly, Ben missed the cut at The Masters this year. But on a lighter note, I stopped cutting myself

And, now for some real comedians.

Robin Williams on the invention of golf CLICK HERE

Brian Regan on the bird sounds during golf telecasts CLICK HERE

Some nice golf shoes you can purchase over at engrish.com I think we found a new name for the LPGA Tour.

Finally, it would not be complete without a Caddy Shack clip. Cannonball, cannonball coming!!! CLICK HERE

Im Done.

Video Friday: Carseat Baby Sings Baby

Brad Ass — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 15:44:00 GMT

I want to buy a sleeveless Cars T-shirt, a giant car-seat and recreate this.

You have to at least watch it until he gets to the Ludacris part.

DONE

Video Friday: Animal Talk

Brad Ass — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 15:35:00 GMT

...and we're back..

Talking Animals, let's do it.

NIGHTTIME DAYTIME

ALAN ALAN ALAN

No Ladies?

I invented roll it

DONE

Top 10 Songs of 2010

Brad Ass — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:44:00 GMT

I am not a great writer, and I don't believe that I have ever pretended to be. I am also not a musician or really understand what musicians are doing when they're up on stage, banging around on their instruments. A lot of times I don't even know what the fucking song is about. I also hate research. That's why you will never read anything by me delving into what an artist was going through, what underlying political message they were trying to communicate, who was their influences, etc... I like what I like, and most of the time can't explain why. But, isn't that the best type of infatuation? The unexplainable.

So, here is my top ten songs of 2010. Some with explanations, but a lot more with out.

10. Adele: Rolling in the Deep
Every once in awhile you have to admit a guilty pleasure. This song is that for me. I had it on repeat for 3 straight days. I enjoy the simplistic "White Stripes-esque Drums," and Adele AKA, Amy Fat-as-a-House, has an incredible voice.

9. jj: New York
The Swedish duo released this mix-tape on December 24th. Just in time to get on the Brad Ass top 10. I am sure that is the reason why they rushed it.

8. Chiddy Bang: Under The Sheets
The only hip-hip act that got me even remotely excited in 2010. While their remix of MGMTs "kids" maybe their most popular . "Under the Sheets" is their best.

7. Janelle Monae: Tightrope

Ok, so I guess there was another hip-hop act that I enjoyed. She is half Andre 3000, half Amy Whinehouse, and half James Brown. Too many halves, that is how you know when someone is really good. Here she is killing it on Letterman.

6. Emmanuel & The Fear: Jimmie's Song

This song may have technically came out in 09', but I am not going to further investigate it. Plus, it has whistling, not wanting a job, being in a rock band, and some shit about Burger King, so I am going to let it slide.

5. Broken Social Scene: Sweetest Kill

4. Wolf Parade: Ghost Pressure

It was hard to pick a song off this album to put on the top 10. The album was actually better than the individual songs, but I needed to put one on here.

3. Beach House: Walk in the Park

2 & 1. In no particular order.

The Gorillaz: Empire Ants, and LCD Soundsystem: Dance Yrself Clean

Both songs follow the same formula. A great long, laid-back slow-burn, leading to happy fun times halfway through, when the beat drops and the tempo pops. (I am pretty sure that made no sense, but it was fun to write.)

I am sure you disagree, but fuck man I blog so I win.

DONE

Top 10 Youtubes of 2010 cont...

Brad Ass — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 18:16:00 GMT

Woops! I forgot a great one.

Honorable Mention goes to, Werner Herzog Narrates Where's Waldo.

CLICK HERE

Done

Top 10 Youtubes of 2010

Brad Ass — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 16:47:00 GMT

Whole bunch of Top 10 lists coming your way. Here is the Top 10 Youtubes of 2010.

10. The most viewed YouTube video of the year. Auto Tune News: Bed Intruder Song

9. In a year where the number one golfer, put his balls in too many holes that didn't belong to him, Ben Crane gave us some levity.

8. My favorite spoof of my favorite movie of the year. A lot funnier if your little nephew is a Dora fan. "Can you say BRRRRRRRRM?"

7. All I have to say is TROLOLOLOLOLO

6. DJ gives a new meaning to the term, "Hitting the high hats"

CLICK HERE

5. Atomic Tom, records a song on subway using only iPhones. Take that Gorillaz, and your making of an entire album on an iPad,

4. Too Damn High

3. Chinese Hurdler Deosn't Give a Fuck. The best part is at the end. He actually checks his watch to see what his time was.

2. Double Rainbow

CLICK HERE

1. And number one goes to... I guess I am late in discovering interactive videos, but this blew my mind when i first saw it.. After you click on "Shoot" or "Don't Shoot," type in all sorts of things into the space provided. Such as, "Play," "Fart" or "Fuck."

DONE

Harry Potter Post... why not

Brad Ass — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 05:13:00 GMT

I don't read the books but I do enjoy the films. (That is as close to an intro paragraph as you will ever get from me. MOVING ON!)

Just a bunch of random thoughts about the Harry Potter series...

-I started to write this because Harry Potter is on TV as the guest on, Inside the Actors Studio. He just informed us that "Bollox" is his favorite course-word, and in England it means, Vagina. I was under the impression it meant "Testicles." You really do learn something new every day. Thank you Harry.

-The actors whom play the characters and watching them grow up in real life, is almost more compelling than the actually movies. These kids were 11 years old when the first appeared in the first Harry Potter film. 11! I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be that age and star in the 4th highest grossing film of all time.

Thank god these kids are British, because if we they were American, Harry would be going back into rehab for the fourth time, we would have several kootchie shots of Hermione, and the Ginger Kid would have offed himself because no one cares about Gingers.

- I wish Richard Harris, the actor that originally played Dumbledore in the first two movies, would have really died right after filming Dumbledore's death scene, instead of after the second movie. QUITTER!

- How do you make sure that fantasy pervs don't stalk you? When you turn 18, cut your hair so you look like a dude.

- Real life Quidditch League. Something tells me that the brooms are the only things that will be getting in between these girl's legs this semester. You know, because they're nerds and bad looking.

- With the Harry Potter series all rapped up, It will be interesting to see if the British Film industry can handle thousands of actors all going out of work at one time.

- Faggotron is the name of a dude that makes songs, using only sounds from a particular movie.

Here is his one for Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone.

Though, my personal favorite Fagattron is from Sleeping Beauty.

- Speaking of Tron, I just looked back up at the TV and Harry Potter is naked hugging what appears to be a horse from the movie Tron. Further investigation has proven that it was a scene from the play, Equus. And yes, I basically just wrote this to put the word Tron in here so I would come up on more Google searches.

- Speaking of a naked Harry. I wonder if Harry calls his penis, His Magic Wand, His Broomstick, or His Dumbledore. If he has an STD he probably calls it, His Hogwarts.

- I think I am done. Real World/Road Rules Challenge is on now.

Dungy Looks Like?

Brad Ass — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 17:34:00 GMT

Tony Dungy is maybe the dullest sports analyst of all time. They only thing he has going for him, is looking like a character from two of the most successful fantasy film series.

Tony Dungy

Golum - Lord of the Rings

Dobby - Harry Potter

done

Pic: Halloween Costume Idea

Brad Ass — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:30:00 GMT

Go as a Boxer, dressed up as a gunfighter. This persons did a great job with their costume.

done

Pic: Head Jenga

Brad Ass — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 17:17:00 GMT

Done

Video: Die Antwood Is Clean

Brad Ass — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 15:56:00 GMT

So in capitalistic America, rappers rhyme about their money, their bling and their cars to get laid. In AIDs ridden Africa rappers rhyme about having a "clean penis" to get the ladies. Makes sense.

If video is not working CLICK HERE

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If link doesn't work click here

Done

Pic: Reading Rambo

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:57:00 GMT

"Atticus Finch is one brave sunovabich"

done

Video: Red House Furniture

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:23:00 GMT

An actual commercial done by these guys, Rhett&LinKommerical

...and here is another one they did.

done

Video: Rent Too HIgh

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:19:00 GMT

I represent the "Rent Is Too Damn High Party." This is from a real Governor of New York debate.

done

NFL Nerds Rejoice

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:10:00 GMT

Here is a link to the results of a NFL Survey done by Harris Interactive. CLICK HERE

done

Video: A Funny Golfer!?

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:59:00 GMT

What? a golfer that seems to be not uptight and dull!

Done

Video: Fun Music Video

Brad Ass — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:57:00 GMT

Don't like the song but the video is creative.

done

Jersey Rules

Brad Ass — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 16:47:00 GMT

I live in San Diego and I am amazed by how many Ryan Matthew jerseys I saw around town on Monday. This guy has not even played one real NFL game. I doubt that any of these jersey wearing fools even know where he went to school last year. These people are breaking my number one rule of purchasing a jersey.

1. Don't Buy a Rookie. You don't know if he is going to flop or be injury prone. There is also a jinx aspect to it. You would have thought that thousands of Charger fans currently using Ryan Leaf jerseys as oil-rags, would have known this rule. Good luck Ryan Matthews. (Update: in Ryan Matthews' first game he fumbled twice. Once was by running into his lineman's ass)

2. Don't Buy the Jersey of a Player in a Contract Year. You may only be able to wear that jersey for one season.

3. Don't Buy the Jersey of a Player that is Known More for Being on Another Team, and Always Will Be. Example of this would be buying a Jets Tomlinson jersey. No matter what he does with with the Jets he will always be known as a Charger. Also, Chiefs' Montana jersey, Emmit Smith Cardinals' jersey and so on.

3b. It's The Best When a Player Spends Whole Career With Your Team. Also, There is nothing wrong with buying a jersey of a great player that recently retired.

3c. The Exception. In 20 years, having a Brett Favre Jets' jersey will be ironically cool, and an amazing find in a thrift store.

4. Never Buy the Jersey of a Fucking Kicker. Fucking ever. I am looking at you, you New England Vinatieri Jersey wearing fools. He made field goals he should have.

5. Wait at Least Five Years of Quality Performance on Your Team to Buy the Jersey. If a player has 5 great seasons with your team you can basically wear that jersey for the rest of your life. (unless he pulls an OJ Simpson, murder never helps out a jerseys worth, exception being Ray Lewis.)

6. Do Not Buy Pink. Listen up girls. We love it when you like sports, and it's fine when you wear stuff, but don't fucking change the colors. I am a Cardinal fan, and red is one of my least favorite colors, but it's THEIR color. I don't go changing the color to one that I think is pretty or brings out my eyes. They make girl jerseys in the right colors, buy those please, or wait til a team actually changes their colors to pink.

Plus, I hate it when the TV shows a crowd shot and everyone is showing unity in team colors and there is one high maintenance bitch in the middle of the crowd wearing a pink jersey with rhine-stones on it. And yes, the pink jersey communicates to us guys, that you are an extremely high maintenance, shallow, girly-girl. You are at a football game ladies. You are surrounded by "men's men." These are not the type of guys looking for girls always dressed in pink and carrying chihuahuas, so take off you Ed Hardy-esque jersey.

7. Do Not Customize It. You are not on the team, so don't put your name on it.

... And when you are wearing a jersey and the player of said jersey has a good play or game, do not point to the jersey and make some comment that he is playing well because you are wearing it.

That being said, I would like to believe that me wearing my new black Adrian Wilson jersey helped him to two interceptions, a block field goal, and sack. Leading him to be named NFC Defender of the week.

Pic: Come in Bears

Brad Ass — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 16:45:00 GMT

Just read the tagline.

Done...